3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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