At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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