my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
