I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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