Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize