Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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