i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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