Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
