what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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