just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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