my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Randomize
