I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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