I'm jealous of your bromance
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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