i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
