The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Randomize
