Just cropdusted the office
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
