Don't you send me to vm
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
