Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
