I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
