Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
