i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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