look no pants
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
