the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I would fuck him just for his dog
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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