Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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