my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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