just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
