He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
