nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
