i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't put those talents on a resume
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
