if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
