the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Do you still have your period?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
