I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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