i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
