I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize