why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
