Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
