I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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