Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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