Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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