i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
