She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
