woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
