She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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