My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
