i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
