I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My ATM looks so different sober.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
