I cockslap morals
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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