but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
