You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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