i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So. Much. Porn.
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