I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
