the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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