mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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