I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
