girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
