Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
