Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
