Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
