chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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